There are so many futures I could never commit to, and I mourn each one.

I wish I could have had the courage to be risky. I wish I would have had the courage to fuck up. I wish I dared to say I love you recklessly and lower the bridge to a broken heart.

Because that’s all it was. I’ve had this unbearable feeling of wondering if the world thinks I’m good enough when the whole time, the only person who thought I wasn’t good enough was me. Maybe I never said it out loud, but the actions back up this theory.

I didn’t go because I thought I wouldn’t make it, but here I am again, proving myself wrong. I was dreaming small when I could’ve been dreaming so much bigger. What’s wrong with me?

I didn’t apply because I thought they’d never consider me. Or even worse, what if they do consider me and I don’t live up to the expectation?

I held back on my love because what was the alternative? Letting you see me with my guard down and having the chance to have my heart broken once again? I’ve been down that road; it’s not any fun.

Now I’m sitting in front of a computer screen, wondering if I had just said something to someone, would it all have been different? I’m grateful to be where I am now, but is it wrong to mourn the lives I never had the chance to live?