Delusional.

Being delusional was never my strong suit.
As a kid, I wanted to be a lawyer; being original wasn’t a strength either. I never dreamt of making it to the NBA. I never thought I could play football at a professional level.
There was a point I was scared of trying out for my high school team.
My legs gave out during intramurals when I tried out for my middle school basketball team. They just stopped working when I ran suicides. Right then was when I figured out I couldn’t show my face in that gym again.
I tried but could have tried harder. I failed the last time I tried hard, so why risk failing it again.
Maybe those are all valid reasons to lose that delusional side of things. Thinking of something that would never happen or something crazy enough to have everyone tell you you’re nuts.
The last time I was delusional, I was dating my high school sweetheart. Back then, the plan was to go to college together and get married right after graduating. We’d have kids shortly after and get old.
I’ve seen the delusion come back here and there, but it’s not the same.
Sometimes, I can ignore the signs that point to doom. I can forget that things won’t ever be the same. Sometimes I even ignore the knot in my stomach so well that I could even fake a laugh.
That could be delusional.
But the delusional I’m thinking about is different. I want to be delusional about something now. I want to say that I can run the marathon in October at a pace of under five hours. I want my kids to have a father that is so delusional that he thinks they could go into space further than any other human being. At the same time, they could be the best damn elementary school teacher in any environment. I want to choose love in each situation I find myself in. And I want to pay attention to the things I need to work on.
Maybe it’s delusional to think I could make things work.

I think I’ve been more delusional than I give myself credit for. You know how we humans think we only are a reflection of the things we don’t do. But hell, I’ve done so much. I’ve spoken up. I’ve swallowed my pride. I’ve apologized for things that I didn’t think were my fault. I put in the effort where I may never get any effort back. And I love that me.

I’ve tried to avoid being delusional over the past few days, months, and even years. Maybe the key to this all is to be a bit more delusional.