This time it’s for real.
If you haven’t caught on, I say maybe a lot.
Call it being totally unsure of everything.
Call it being “wishy-washy” or hesitant.
Sixteen-year-old me would call it being a little B word.
I can’t say I blame him. Sometimes I have tendencies that my younger self may disagree with. I want to be better than the person I thought I’d be.
I say maybe because I’ve figured out what I want, but I’ve also figured out what I need. Surprise, surprise, my needs and my wants are different. As hardheaded as I want to be, I’ve started to pay attention to how I feel around things or situations.
Some things are not meant to be easy, but they’re also not meant to make me feel drained. My actions are out of love and not for love, but most importantly, I have to make sure my bucket is full. What good does passing out all the love if it eventually ends? I want a situation in which love is consistently overflowing out of my bucket and continues to regenerate.
So, maybe this time, it’s for real. If I write it down, I’m on the right track, right?