This isn’t my specialty. Nor is it my favorite thing to do.
I have avoided this for years. Mostly this year.
I don’t know why. Or maybe I am, and I’m just afraid.
I’m afraid of saying it out loud because it makes it more real. I can’t explain it very well, but if I was to try, it would feel like opening up a box that holds all these memories I’ve been working to forget.
On paper, this shouldn’t bug me as much as it does.
On paper, my biggest problem could be someone else’s dreams.
On paper, I’m being a little bitch.
Sure, that’s probably something unnecessarily mean to say about myself; I get that.
Those are the words my mind first comes up with, though. I’m working on it. You know, being nicer to myself and being careful with the words I’m using.
I sit here, though, reflecting on all the situations I’ve gotten myself into in 2022. It’s been a hell of a ride. The only issue is that I keep going on the same ride expecting to feel something different. I know what I want, or I at least have an idea. So, why do I keep pushing it away?
They say when you ask God to be stronger, he doesn’t just give you strength; he gives you chances to use your strength and keep building. When you ask him for courage, he puts things in front of you to test your courage.
So, why am I sitting here praying to Him to help me level up, and I’m over here hanging tight to those feelings of loss? Those feelings of rejection. Or those feelings of neglect?
Slowing down may be the only way for me to keep going. Maybe it’s the charge I needed to start fresh for once. I guess we’ll see.