I don’t think I’ve written to you in this form or manner, but maybe it’s time I do so. I believe this is mostly my fault, but it’s hard not to try and put some blame on you. You’ve tricked me. You made me think everything I wanted was right there. The same city that’s seen many people succeed and even more fail. The city that’s made me believe anything could be possible. The city that taught me there’s some beauty in the chaos. The city that had me learn that getting lost is underrated. 

Dreaming of you has me putting everything on pause. All of my plans consciously or subconsciously were about you. Even throughout a global pandemic, you were the one that took up all of my thoughts.  

In pursuit of you, I’ve lost everything else about me. 

In pursuit of you, I’ve forgotten everything else there is. 

In pursuit of you, I’ve lost it all. 

Maybe I wasn’t looking for a physical destination, maybe I was looking for something else. Maybe something else has been here from the start, and I just lost focus. 

I was waiting for you to happen to chase something new. 

And while I was waiting for you, I paused everything else. 

I still want you more than anything, but I’m not forcing it. I can’t keep pausing everything else. Maybe it’s a little bit of fear taking over. That’s ok. It’s scary as hell to stay too. I will be the best version of myself starting now, and no more pauses. Not even for you. 

See you soon.