I know I haven’t written to you in a long time. I promise I haven’t stopped thinking about you; I’ve been busy, that’s all. I should probably make more of an effort to write to you, being that you literally have my heart, and I don’t even have an idea of what your social security number will start with.

I guess you could say I’ve been going at a crossroads. For the first time in my life, I started thinking about what life would be like if you did not come into my life. I know that sounds so crazy. Because now that you’re reading this, you must have an idea of how much I love you. I’d give up my heart for you; it’s already yours. Note that this is the only reason I haven’t donated my kidney (that’s the one I could donate since I have two of them, right?).

I never imagined what life would be like without you. I always believed you’d have already been in my life by now. I’d finally get some time to go into my office and write a few things, maybe get ahead of a little bit of work while I drink a Jameson and ginger ale. I’d play some music on my headphones, but I’d only have one headphone in just in case you wake up and ruin my little groove. Since your father has impeccable timing with just about everything, I’m sure I’d pass that down to you.

As I reflect on what I’m bringing to the table of parenthood sometime in the future, I hope you can respect my decision to keep hanging on to the thought of you. I want you here more than you know, but I don’t think I’m there yet. You’ll hear these words one day when you’re thinking about having kids of your own, but everyone has told me that you’re never quite ready; you become prepared as you go. I believe that I do. I have so much I want to experience to pass on to you one day. I can’t wait to bore you with all of my journals and stories from when dad was such a fucking fearless guy.

Know that while I was doing all these fearless things, I was shitting bricks in my mind. The more time I spent not working on bringing you into this world, the less time we’d be able to spend together when I get older or something. You know what, though, I promise you that you wouldn’t get along much with this version of dad. Right now, I’m indecisive, naive, and quite frankly, a little arrogant. Slowly but surely, I understood that I had to be at this point to get to where I want to get to. And hopefully, that makes me that much better of a father for you and your siblings.

Love you,

Dad