I was a chump.

I can blame it on whatever I want. Maybe I could blame it on rap and hip-hop when I was in high school; everyone else has something to blame it on other than themselves.

I was a chump because I gave up on destiny. I gave up on the universe. I didn’t want to look for a fairytale ending anymore. I was satisfied with going for what everyone else seemed to enjoy.

Nobody wanted to get married at a young age and start making moves for your future selves. Nobody was ready for commitment. Why should I be the only one to hold myself to those standards when it feels like whatever partner I was destined to be with wasn’t following the same mentality.

I didn’t want to miss out.

So, I told my friend that I was done trying to chase “the one,” and I was. I proved that pretty quickly. I didn’t think that existed. I had my heart broken for the tiniest shit that I can’t even remember anymore. Even the parts that I remember seem so insignificant. They weren’t then; I know that.

I told my friend that the next girl I would date would be for fun. I was such a fucking chump that I just wanted to fuck around and not have any strings attached. So, I followed that mentality. I did a pretty job at it.

I don’t know if I can say that I was in love then, but damn that was the real heartbreak. Whatever I felt back in high school as a kid, I felt 100 times more the next time around. If you mix that in with some liquor then you have a mess. You have a drunk version of a boy who once dreamed of falling in love for the first time and marrying his first love.

I was a chump because, for a long time, that made me believe that I was right. I was right about destiny, not giving a shit about my love life.

What I didn’t realize was that destiny was the one who put these situations like love and heartbreak, which followed insecurities and trust issues; these feelings of disappointment in front of me for a reason bigger than me. It was mostly for you.

If I thought for a second that I had loved someone more than ever, fuck was I wrong. If I thought for a second that sudden heartbreak was the worst thing ever, I was ultimately off on that too.

The limits I’ve placed, the love I’ve felt in return, all those thoughts in my head. It’s all made up. I just compared love from one person to another.

I was a chump for thinking that I could run away from love. I was a chump for thinking I’d brush off the times I called the radio station at 7:30 pm every night to play Angel by Shaggy for my future wife, who I hadn’t even met yet. I was a chump for trying to be someone that I was not.

Thank you for reminding me of the moment. Thanks for reminding me of the butterflies. Thanks for reminding me of the passion.