Auto Pilot

You ever felt like you’re going through the moment without actually feeling the moment pass? It’s hard to explain, but you literally see the moments pass by you collectively almost in slow motion, and it’s right within your grasp, so you reach out, but you get a handful of nothing.

Maybe it’s just the pandemic talking, but I think I’ve been in that moment a lot lately. It’s one of those things where I sat down the first Friday that we closed everything down, writing down everything I wanted to accomplish, and that feels like yesterday.

It’s almost been an entire year, and it’s hard to figure out where those moments go.

I’ve finally figured out that adulting and juggling all these things going on is pretty tough. The first step in making it easier, I think, is just admitting how tough of a time you’ve had. That’s not easy for a person like me, but I guess you have to make an effort to keep it pushing, right?

AutoPilot.

My body is just going through the motions, and I’m having a tough time catching up mentally. My mind is still trying to analyze five years ago, and you don’t have to remind me that I’m wasting my time on that because I already know. I wish I could tell you that I learned how to stop it, but sometimes it’s all just a part of the process. Maybe one day, I can wake up and figure out how to turn off the overdrive in my mind.

But then again, maybe not. Maybe I figure out the beauty in doing this. Figuring out what lesson I was supposed to learn through the challenging part and taking the time to grow through it might be a good thing. Some people are afraid to look at their bank accounts because they don’t want to see how bad they’re doing, but I have an issue in which I’m scared to think back on my lessons because I may have fucked up worse than I thought. I might figure out that I could’ve done something differently or could have apologized for who I was when I was in that moment.

Maybe I should blame it on autopilot.