Two Lives.

It seems that my life has been made up of two totally different lives at the same time. I used to be afraid of getting old. I used to be afraid of getting to that 50 number and then just knowing I’m going downhill from there. I’ve lived the majority of my life with a happiness “destination”. I guess that’s the best word for it, right? Destination as in, “once I get to this point, I’ll be happy for sure.”

That hasn’t exactly happened. It seems like when I get to one point; I find another thing to keep me down. Or, per usual, something just happens to take away the moment. I guess I say that it’s like two lives because I have had to be sad or unhappy for one thing while I’m happy on another. There’s nothing tougher than that shit. At the end of the day, I’m the only one to blame for shit like this, though. I should be able to be happy without needing validation from anybody else, but that validation is something I’ve felt that I’ve always needed. I want to make everyone so damn proud, but sometimes I forget who the fuck I’m actually working my ass off for.

Myself.

That’s it.

Call it selfish, call it arrogant, but dammit, I’ve lived probably way too much time trying to please just as many people as possible without worrying myself. I’ve used everyone else’s negativity or pessimism as my motivation, but I’ve had a tough time finding motivation for just myself. I’m literally the most important in my own life, and it should always be that way. Loving myself will only help me love others even more, and that’s the way I have to look at it going forward.

So, if you’re a part of my life now, know that I’m going to do better at loving myself and that love will only spread over yours. I pray if you’re going through something similar, you start listening to that voice in your head that says that there is nothing more important than yourself.