I hate to start cursing in my writing so early on, but it has to be said. Resistance is really a bitch. I find myself trying to get the courage to write, because yes if you’re wondering, writing is scary. Not scary like Halloween scary, but scary like “ah shit, I don’t know what the fuck my mind is going to come up with now.” Because I have to admit, I would’ve never imagined the people who have shot me a text ever to shoot me a text saying things about how they felt something in my writing or just telling me to keep it up. That shit comes with expectations, and I think when I created a site for me to share what I wrote, I never gave myself those sort of expectations to keep someone coming back to read what the hell is going on in Christian’s head now.

Like I was saying, though, resistance is bitch. I find myself waking up watching a video or listening to an audiobook that gets me, so hype to do whatever the hell it is this day, and I end up wanting to do about 10 things at the same time. Suddenly I’m catching myself registering all my products for warranties that should’ve been filed about 3 days ago, and now I have other shit to do before I get down to writing. It’s currently 9:50 am on a Sunday, and I was planning on sitting in front of my laptop at 7 am. What the fuck did I do in between that time other than eating breakfast? I have no fucking clue. However, I know that it wasn’t what I originally told myself to do. That is annoying more than anything. As a person who always tries to shine a light that I’ve got shit figured out or I’m at least ahead of the game, let me assure you that I’m nowhere near that. I have played this game my entire life where on the outside, I will do my best always to be fine, and I’ve got shit figured out, but man, I am nowhere near figuring shit out at all. Sometimes I tell myself that if I reach this goal that I set, I’ll have more shit figured out, but that’s a damn lie. I am really more behind than I ever thought, and all those years of faking it have really set me back.

So yeah, that’s why this shit is scary. I wasn’t sure what I was going to be writing about today. Besides doing a quick spell check while editing a few words, it doesn’t sound repetitive; I hardly ever read these pieces of writing back to me. I’m a terrible critic and will avoid posting if I do anything further.