There are so many times I wonder if I’m worth everything I receive. I feel like I receive it in abundance. That thought process quickly goes away because I don’t ever want to lose it and wonder why I ever thought I wasn’t worthy. I’ve worked hard for just about everything, but I’m terrified of one day losing everything again.

I’ve been poor, and I’ve had some money, and I don’t think I ever want to be poor again. Just remembering riding the bus to get from point A to point B was an experience. I think that’s why I like passing by the old houses I was raised in. It makes me remember what I’ve come up from, even if it was with my parents. I know I had no choice, and they made a considerable sacrifice, but I never want to feel like I’m going backward. That’s a tremendous amount of pressure. I imagine as a parent, you never want to see your kid go backward either, so maybe that’s why parents always want you to take the easy route versus a route that could see you lose just about everything.

I wonder if I’ll be feeling the same way for my future kids. Maybe I should allow them to fuck up as much as they need to because sometimes that lesson is something that life needs to put you through to learn. I’ve tried too hard to live my life as if I already knew from everyone else’s mistakes, but that only makes me more curious at the end of the day. Maybe I should be better at figuring out the mistakes I need to make more often.

That’s probably why my dream has been to live on the east coast without any lifelines. I want to see what it’s like to have nothing and still keep it pushing practically. I think it would be the ideal situation, you know? Losing everything and building it back two-fold? Maybe we all need that.