I think the past few years, I’ve been trying to search for something different.

If I could define what it is that I’m looking for, I would. It’s a lot harder than what it is.

I sometimes find what I’m looking for, except I don’t. What I tend to do is try and chase that feeling, but it seems like the feeling doesn’t last.

I’ve tried doing the whole yoga thing and the meditating practice, but the better you get at it, the more difficult it seems. Maybe I’m not as impressive as I like to believe I am, but being alone with my thoughts isn’t exactly a fun time. That always fucks me up. I can’t entertain my mind, so how am I supposed to keep someone engaged for the rest of their life?

Sometimes I can’t even figure out how to stay on track with one thought. I zone out so often that I think it could be confused for being in a mood, but it’s just that I have 9000 things going on in my head, starting with situations I’m playing back in my head.

These situations aren’t even something that I’ve experienced before, but simulations of what I would expect if one thing was different. I analyze shit so often that I catch myself driving, and my mind plays a scene of me getting in an accident and wondering what would happen if I was to get hurt or worse if my passenger was to get hurt. How would I react? How would I be able to prevent that? There are times I play out how I would try and be the hero in the situation even so that I can feel prepared.

Such a waste of fucking time, am I right?

How do you overcome this?

I guess that’s why my go-to answer when I’m asked what I’m thinking about in those zoning out moments is, “oh nothing.” It’s a lot easier not to have to answer questions about what’s going on in my head and when I started having those thoughts because those are a few questions I don’t have the answer to.