Sorry I haven’t reached out.

At this point, I think I’ve finally given in and just stopped reaching out because I feel like I’m forcing something way too hard. It doesn’t feel natural anymore. I’m not going to lie; I wish that it wasn’t like that because I want to ask about your life. I want to ask you about your entire family.

Don’t get it twisted, even though I don’t check on you, I do everything I possibly can to bring you up accidentally, and it seems like the more I have you on my mind, the more your name comes up without me trying it.

I want to ask you about all the struggles you were going through last time I checked. I want to make sure you’re doing all the things you said you wanted to continue to do. Maybe this time I can be a better communicator and help motivate you to do better like it was in the beginning and like I planned in my head.

There are so many times that I start to send you a text, but I don’t know where to start. I consider accidentally calling you or just getting wasted to blame something out of my control for reaching out.

Maybe that means I’m not brave or that I’m a coward. It probably just proves your point, right? I’ve considered that too. I think you didn’t give me enough credit for everything that was I was going through also. I guess you were quick to only think about everything you were going through but never tried to put yourself in my shoes. Or maybe you did, and I’m just crazy. That’s probably it.

I thought I would be able to get over all of this since it feels like so long, and we’ve supposedly both moved on. How’s it possible that we couldn’t get along, and yet it’s still so hard to fully let you go? Is that me being hardheaded, again? Is my mind refusing to let you go?

I feel like I’m happy now. I’m doing a lot of the things that I told you I would do. What exactly is it that keeps me wondering if you ever listen to a song and think about me the way I do? Why do I get jealous of the time your spending with someone else?

I’m sorry I haven’t reached out.

I have to admit that I hate that you haven’t either.