Numb

I’ve always wondered what superpower I would want to have if I was to get the option. I used to believe that flying was probably my favorite superpower or maybe running super fast like a flash. I don’t know why I’m just realizing now that both of these were just to try and rush a process. It was to have to avoid long car rides and just getting to my destination as easy and without a hassle at all costs. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been trying to avoid the process, or I’ve at least been trying to rush it as much as possible.

In hindsight, I think some of my favorite memories have been a part of the process. There’s so much that I’ve been trying to avoid now that it makes me feel stupid when I look back. I’ve always tried to close my eyes through the process and just reach my destination forever. It’s the reason why I would love to fall asleep in the car because I would wake up and we’d practically be there already. I do the equivalent of this at times and just work my ass off wishing that I would just get to the point where it’s time to move on, and it’s time to progress. I’ve never allowed myself to enjoy the moment because I’m always worried about the moment after this.

Even when I get into relationships, I’ve always stressed myself out because I worry about the next steps. I think about marriage so often that I forget there are more steps to this. Even worse, I forget that I should just be enjoying the current levels and focusing on doing those beginning steps right. Many times I haven’t also allowed myself to figure out if I’m enjoying the moment, and sometimes I don’t realize I’ve been enjoying the moment so much, but by that time it’s already too late. I’ve already fucked up the moment.

In my head, I’ve already done all the steps, but I suck at communicating.

I’ve become numb to the moment if that makes sense. I’m working hard on trying to fix it, but it’s been 28 years of skipping over the process.