Wildfire.

I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve changed since I met you. I wasn’t ready at the moment. I was not prepared for even a few years afterward. I don’t know when it hit me exactly. Forgive me, but I may not have yet realized it until later and more recently.

I think I’ve always felt that I was supposed to do everything on my own, and that meant that I needed someone who was going to be burning as much as I was. The easy thing would be that I would be the one to catch up with my partner. I would easily just tag team whatever project she was working on, and I’d just be a part of it and take part.

I think I’ve had that idea planted for quite some time. I don’t believe that I was going to be the one who was going to be doing the heavy lifting at first. I thought I would be the coach to light the fire at first, and then I would be able to reap all of the benefits afterward. Little did I know that I had so much work to do on myself. I think of it, and my body starts to sweat a little bit.

I think that I’ve woken up on certain days and felt that I need to have a plan for everything and that it would just happen. I would plan out marriage, and everything else would just fit into place. I wouldn’t have to do any additional work because I would’ve worked hard enough to get to that piece.

My biggest lesson in 2020 is that a relationship should never become only a noun. A relationship is just always a verb. The connection should always be in constant motion, still being worked on. It should never just be a thing.

Love is always a verb, not a noun too. Love is something that you have to decide to do every day, similar to brushing your teeth. If you choose not to brush your teeth even for a day, you should feel pretty gross. That’s how love is when you don’t work on it every day. After a while, if you stop working on it, there’s so much damage that can happen, and ultimately the only thing on your mind is getting a replacement.

Maybe everything should be looked at that way. Some things are worth doing the work for, and some stuff just isn’t. Hopefully, you continue to have your why every day.