The last thing I ever want to do in any sort of situation is to lose the argument or discussion. In a case or a debate, I always want to have the last word. Why am I this way? Probably a variety of reasons. I’m hardheaded, I’m stubborn, and I’m super prideful.

I’ve been trying to work on all of these qualities, and it’s a lot tougher than I expected. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve seen my reactions in some sort of third-person view. As if I’m floating above my body and seeing myself react to everything when it’s the reaction I’m NOT trying to give. I’ve wasted a tremendous amount of time trying to stay hardheaded and act in ways that I don’t want to act, and it’s all due to having so much pride. I always regret it too. I still feel bad, and then suddenly, I feel like I have to make up for my bad decisions. So, what happens? I end up going 200% for a little while, and then all of a sudden, I stop again. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing to get better now that I feel I’ve leveled up. When I say I leveled up, I just feel like I’m getting more aware.

This whole improvement thing is a lot harder than what I expected, and to be fair, I wasn’t promised anything. Becoming aware of all the shit you’re doing that is fucked up makes you feel like crap. Imagine someone throwing your mistakes in your face, and that person is you. I’ve felt upset for someone else calling me out for my bullshit, but I’ve never had to be upset with myself for calling myself out.

I’m working on just not saying anything versus arguing or discussing with anything that’s not worth my time. This whole journey is just to make me a lot more sane and waste a lot less time. Once I get good at this, maybe I can spend less time thinking about that kind of small shit. Either way, I’m looking forward to doing the work ahead.