Accountability.

I think the ego must hate that the most. Having to be accountable for you being wrong, having to understand that you might be in the wrong. I haven’t been battling my ego for too long. For years I’ve let my ego just take over. I don’t know what it is, but I think those years I ignored it just made it worse. I’m not sure, but I think that now I can’t tell the difference between what I’m just hardheaded with and what I have allowed just to become normal. I know that hardly makes any sense, but I’ve gone years just playing the blame game. As if it was everyone else’s fault that I was acting a certain way or that I was making a particular decision.

When I was a kid, I used to think my life was sort of like “Boy Meets World” and that heaven had my show as one of the top shows. I was the good guy in the show. I was also the person who could hardly do any wrong. If I ever did make a mistake, I would wrap up the day by being a good kid and apologizing. Whenever I would learn my lesson, there was usually something that worked out in my favor, or there was some sort of reward for being right.

Real-life is a little bit more boring than that. There is no reward for doing the right thing other than doing the right thing. That’s wack, isn’t it? Here I am already thinking about watching these stupid tv shows was the only reason I am the way that I am. Essentially, blaming it on the environment. “This is the way that I am, and the world should just accept it this way.” The stupidest thought I ever had.

Why’s it so hard to admit I’m doing the right thing. When I’m in the moment, it’s like I can see myself in the third person, like some sort of ghost. I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I’m trying to yell at myself to do the opposite of whatever it is I’m currently doing. I don’t listen. It causes a type of confusion that I can’t even explain. Because when I come back to the real world, I’m not sure if I’m upset because of what’s going on or if I’m upset at the fact that I’m making these dumb decisions.

Working on yourself is a super hard thing to commit to. It’s even harder when there’s a challenge that you can’t get over. It is one of those works in progress that I still don’t know how it’s going to go. I guess the people in heaven can just wait to see what happens in the next episode, right?