For years now, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to get married or to be married. I’ve imagined the entire ceremony in my head millions of times.

The problem is that I’ve spent less time thinking about the actual part after the wedding. No, not the honeymoon, but the real living together while being married part. I think I’ve always assumed that things would just magically change after marriage. I feel pretty stupid because I’ve concluded that this doesn’t happen. Everything that you were as two individuals before you got married will continue to be your reality once you get married.

Maybe that’s why people get divorced as often as they do. Perhaps other people have thought the same thing that I do. That someone can just become the better version of themselves right after marriage. That simply can’t be true, and I’ve started to understand that more and more as I’ve gotten older. Which by the way, it is kind of cool that I’m getting a little wiser as I get older. (More proof that I’m aging like good wine.)

If the case is that you have to be a better version of yourself before marriage, why do people get married before reaching that point? Like, what’s the goal of the test run before you make that substantial financial decision? I used to think that marriage was the thing you did when you didn’t know what else to do with the person you love, but surely that can’t be the only symbol of love left for couples. Maybe I’m wrong, but wouldn’t becoming a better version of yourself be a better way to show two things? One, you would prove to yourself that you love yourself enough to do better. Two, you would show to your partner that they deserve the best from you too. Perhaps I’m asking for too much by asking for the best from my partner before getting married. I’m working hard on myself to accept anything less than the best. I don’t want that to be in vain. Maybe this means I have commitment issues, and I think it’s fair to be labeled that way. To speak my truth, I don’t care about that label anyways. If having commitment issues means being worried about our effort levels matching, well, then I have commitment issues. Yes, everyone’s life journey is different, and yes, everyone receives different nurture when they’re growing up.

Many others are not as fortunate and did not get fed the same ideas I was as a kid. Being raised on the idea that I could do anything I wanted to do. I was thinking and realizing that no idea was too crazy. Even the times I was told something was sort of crazy, I still went out and did it to prove everyone what was possible. Now when I sit at the table with those that thought I was wild, they ask me to share my experiences with them. I see their eyes light up, and that’s how I know I won’t have regrets about what I’m doing now. I don’t think I’ll ever know if I’m on the right path, but I don’t know if the right one exists.