I was wrong.

That’s probably the sentence that I have always had the most trouble saying.

I find myself saying it more often now.

I can assume it’s been my ego after all of this time. I trick myself into believing that everything that I do is the correct thing, and because my intentions are good, my actions should be justified. I think that’s the thing. I’ve always believed that I have tried to look through everyone else’s perspective, and because I did that, I felt that all of my actions were to benefit everyone else, even if I didn’t benefit at all. I always just assumed I was playing the role of the “good” guy.

That’s crazy to me. Even now, my ego still makes me believe I’ve tried to be the good guy as I write this. That’s how controlling my ego can be. I have since realized that I don’t get to be the one to tell someone they don’t have to feel a certain way and that no matter what my intention was if I fucked up on their end, I fucked up.

I never intended to make so many mistakes in my life. So many wrong decisions that ultimately would become things I could look back on and just chuckle at in hindsight. I never intended to hurt as many people by making these mistakes. My intention was never to leave the people that came up with me behind. I planned to make sure I had everyone keep up with me on the level that I wanted to be on, not anybody else’s. Well, I’ve figured out that it doesn’t always work that way. I never wanted to join someone else’s journey; I’ve always wanted everyone else to join me in mine.

I was wrong about that. That’s why I’ve become a mediocre friend: a mediocre sibling and an average son. According to my ego, the world DOES revolve around me, and I was wrong for thinking that.

I want to do better, and I think I’m getting there, but it’s a lot tougher than what it is. I’m not sure if the goal is ever to reach the point where I would never have an ego, it’s necessary at a certain point, but I do want to reach a day where I know how to control it and not the other way around.