If I’m Being Honest

I think I worry too much about the future.
I worry about a lot about what people think about me.
I take too much time thinking about how people will judge my reactions.
I think over some of the things that I do every minute and sometimes lose sleep over an embarrassing moment that nobody else remembers.
I overanalyze more moments than the average person should. If a person analyzes more than I do, I would worry about that person.
I think about what would’ve happened if I didn’t make a decision too much.
I think a lot about what would happen if I got off on the exit before the one I take too often.
I think about how I would be different if I would’ve waited for a different promotion.
I think about how my life would’ve sucked if I would’ve missed out on a specific day at the YMCA.
I think a lot about how I would still act childish if it weren’t for certain friends.
I think a lot about how my actions might fuck me over later on.
I spend a lot of time wondering what would’ve happened if I had more balls to make a move during what now seems like the wrong time.
I analyze how things would be different if I had not been raised in Las Vegas.
I consider how different my life would be if I hadn’t run into a particular type of music.
I think about how different life would be for my parents if they would have never met each other.

If I’m honest, I think about how I have fucked up the people that I care the most about now.
I think about how I have no clue what I want to do.
I think about how much I think about things more than I do things.
I think about how my actions don’t match my thoughts and dreams in most cases.
I spend much of my time thinking about how I can improve, but I put off a lot of the actions for another day.
I think that people think about me more than they do.
I think that I’m a bigger deal than I am.
There are times that I think that I don’t think I matter to anybody.
There are times that I think about how much I’ve fucked so many things up.
At times, I read so much news that I don’t know where to start.
I think that there are moments that I never talked through, and they still bother me and have become skeletons in my closet.
I think there are still times where I can’t get over seeing specific pictures and wishing things were as easy as they were in those pictures.
There are times where I talk about specific memories, and all I want to do is wish I was there again, not always because of who was there, but because I think that those stresses were a lot less than those I think of now.

To be honest, there are times where I forget to pray at the end of my day and remember how grateful I am.
There are times that I wake up a little grumpier than I should be, and I don’t know how to explain it.
Sometimes I wake up and take a shower and scratch my head, hoping that would make my bad vibes go away because I can feel them.
There are times where I’m jealous, and instead of speaking up, I stay quiet because I think that will help the situation.
On multiple occasions, I have thought about finding a magic lamp with a genie, and all three wishes were spent on myself.

If I’m honest, I think I’m finally brave enough to face these truths.