If I Knew Then What I Know Now.

There are days where I think way too much about what I didn’t know in the past.
I wonder if I would make the same mistakes just because I know it’ll be alright, or if I would avoid them altogether.
I don’t know if I would fuck up even harder just to kind of test the dangers of fucking up.
I look back, and I don’t think I’ve fucked up enough.
I’m a little over 500 days of turning 30, and I still got many fuck ups up my sleeve. I’m not sure when I’ll bring them to light, they’re not intentional or anything.
I just know I have a lot of dumb shit that has passed my mind I want to test.
I know that sounds so stupid.
How could I possibly be aware of the dumb shit that’s going on in my mind, right?
I don’t know.
I just know it’s the stuff that I would consider stupid because there’s a big chance I’ll fail.
There’s a big chance that I could be wasting even more time.
I wish things were more simple.
I know I’m the only one that complicates them.
If I could do something different, I would. There are so many things I’ve worked hard for that I fear losing.
If life is a game, I hate that it feels like there are so many more ways to lose than to win.
Sure, there are a few different ways to win, but what’s the point if one wrong turn could result in a massive loss?
There are days like today that I just feel like I lose control as much as I want to keep holding onto every win I can by a thread.
Things could be going so well, and then all the thoughts attack me all at once.
If I stay quiet, it’s mostly to not make it any worse for anyone else on the outside.
Staying quiet eats me up, and I don’t know where to escape.
Where do you go when you don’t know how you’d even get there?