You know, I’ve never dared to write you anything ever? Like, not even in any of my infamous notebooks.
I have tried to at times, but I can never really get to it. I don’t know where to start. So, here goes nothing.
I think you’re my best friend.
I think you don’t get enough credit for putting my pops in check.
I talk a lot about how I look up to my pops and don’t get me wrong, he’s “the man” in my eyes forever.
You’re just something else.
I love you so much.
You know that the more I think about it, the more I think about how I don’t think I’m going to live a long life because that would be the easy way out.
You’re probably the reason.
What would my life be without my mom?
Do you know you’re probably the reason I have yet to want to marry?
I always imagined being the guy that I would’ve wanted my pops to be.
I don’t think I’m there yet.
That’s not saying anything against my pops, I think it just really talks to your level.
You kept it all together for me.
Do you remember when I broke up with my first girlfriend in high school and you called her and asked her if she would like to go to the gym with you?
I thought I hated that.
I still don’t understand it, and quite frankly, I don’t know why she would’ve been down for something like that, but you were looking out for me at all times.
I still don’t know how those situations worked out, but ultimately they worked out for the best.
I felt betrayed at that time.
“Why would my mom hang out with the enemy?” I would ask myself.
Now that I’m a little older, I realize a few more things. You knew how much I liked her and how indecisive I was from the jump.
Then, I remember when I would always bring that girl around that you didn’t like and you would try and find little reasons for me to not see her.
You would give me these guilt trips and to your credit, those guilt trips worked.
You never once told me that the girl wasn’t the one for me. Everyone else seemed to have an opinion, but you always seemed to be cool with whatever decision I made.
It’s like you knew what was going on in my head. You knew I was ignoring the initial red flags, but you stayed in your lane.
I can’t imagine how tough that was for you.
How do you feel that your friends are becoming grandparents before you?
I know you joke about wanting grandkids one day, but you’ve never put any sort of pressure on me for it.
Do you recognize how much pressure I feel because of it?
I’ve always seen the pain in your eyes when you talk about losing your dad at the age of 14.
I never even really knew my grandma.
I wonder if you know that this is one of my biggest fears for me. You not getting to teach my kids how to make my favorite enchiladas because you know I’ll have a tough time teaching them, that would just suck.
How do you feel when you see me be so indecisive? Do you ever see my father’s tendencies?
I hope you know that the conversations I’ve had with you are those conversations that I will always cherish. Those are the highlights of conversations for me.
For someone that never got the opportunity to go to school, you’re smart as shit. Granted, you’re also the most stubborn lady in the world.
These last few days in quarantine were the first time I saw growing gray hair and just writing about it makes me want to cry. You’re not supposed to get old.
Do you know that every time you tell me you’re going to the doctor, my heart skips a beat in fear? I’m ignorant of the fact that you’re going to get older.
I’ve always wanted to protect you. I would love to protect you for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, I wish you would just tell me that I should just settle down already. I feel like that would be the biggest blessing in the world, I know you shouldn’t have to tell me that and I shouldn’t wait for that blessing.
I hope you know that you’ve taught me how to be a better man and I hope my future wife gets on your good side because she owes you for how happy I’ll make her. I wouldn’t allow your sacrifices to be for anything less than me being the man to make my future wife as happy as can be.