I always believed that love was only real when you felt it for the first time.

The first person you ever loved would and should be the only one. I guess I always thought that timing was the only thing that mattered. I would learn everything alongside her and that would be it. We’d grow old together, have a bunch of kids, and probably have the same sort of marriage that my parents had, except trying to be better.

I was programmed to believe that after 50 my life would practically start all over with my kiddos all grown up, living their own lives leaving me and my wife to start our own adventure.

I think back to it now and I’m just like, that would fucking suck. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud and really believe everyone has their own journey, but no way was that journey going to be for me. I don’t have kids, but I already love them so much. I want to be able to provide the best for them and even though I understand that I can never be fully prepared for a kiddo, I would’ve had to learn a lot of tough lessons with them in my life. With what I saw as a kid and what I learned, I would not want to put them in the same position as myself. That’s not to say that I will stop learning lessons, but I want to be able to guide them in the right direction by example, not just with words. I want to teach them the lessons I learned and I want to teach them how to face fears they may not be ready for. I want to mirror the things that stuck with me that made me tougher and talk through the experiences I had with them in detail.

I’m 2 years away from turning 30 and I already have trouble waking up from a few drinks and a long night out. I’m grateful to be able to experience this selfish time on my own. I switched up what I always wanted and the more I think about it, God really takes care of me. He’s given me more than I ever wanted and more than I could have pictured and I’ve pounced on the opportunity to keep having in abundance. There were times where I wondered how I could make the next week and I’m a stronger person because of it. I’ve become prepared for whatever it is that’s next to come because I’ve fully trusted that God puts signs in front of me all the time, I just see what I want to see at times. Even then, he puts those things in front of me over and over until I finally see the message. I can’t say the day will come where I see the message on the first attempt and I’m sure God shakes his head at my decisions every now and then (Sorry Big Guy), but He knows I’m trying.