I have this disease where I don’t know how to stop.

I have to consistently be doing something and it’s not always a productive kind of busy, even if I’d like to believe it’s productive at the time. For me, it’s just not possible to do nothing. Doing nothing would mean that I would have to listen to my thoughts and I’d have to breakdown. I’ve survived this way for the last 10 years or so, and I really haven’t become aware of it until the entire world had to made a sudden stop. Even then, while my work weeks have gotten longer, I can’t but believe that I’d still stay as busy as possible to stay away from those stray thoughts that come up every now and then about more serious things. Serious things like what I’ll be doing after all of this is over. Thoughts about love, thoughts about a career, and thoughts that I’ve just left unresolved.

I think there’s so many unresolved thoughts that I can’t even begin to remember all of them. Recent and years ago, there’s so many things I’ve realized that I just put off to the side. It gets triggered when I have nothing else to focus on but the emptiness and loneliness. I’m not talking about the emptiness and loneliness in a sympathy kind of way. I’m talking about emptiness and loneliness like I have nothing else to do but sit with my thoughts.

I recognize this is definitely not a good trait, it’s something I have to work on, but I guess I’ll figure it out. One of these days I’ll make time to do nothing and just sit. Who knows, maybe it’ll help me come up with more topics of conversation.