I keep very high expectations of myself. I like to try super hard to be perfect with every decision that I make. I don’t think anyone else has put these expectations on me, but I have, and it’s something that bothers me day in and day out. I overanalyze almost everything just disecting things piece by piece when I believe I could have done something better or said it any differently. I apologize when I’m being completely honest because I feel like I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. I try hard to make sure that I have the reasoning for all of my actions that would explain that I’m really not trying to be an asshole. Not exactly my favorite trait of myself, but I don’t know how and where to even start to change this.

Telling me to relax and just live in the moment is the most cliche thing I hear day in and day out. While I appreciate the sentiment and the caring words that people provide, I just don’t know how else to really think. Whenever I hear someone say, “what about you, Mr. Perfect?” I can’t believe I don’t make some sort of face. While it’s a joke to everyone listening and I laugh, I know that my biggest insecurity is being struck then and there. Again, I don’t know why this is, but it’s certainly annoying.

I’ve framed most of my life to try and be the perfect son, brother, friend, boyfriend, employee, and manager that I can’t live up to those expectations. I can’t even live up to something that I’ve set for myself. I try and hide most of my flaws, mistakes, and bad habits just to avoid judgement and avoid putting them out into the world. Sometimes I hope that it helps me believe it. It gets to the point that I feel like I’m hiding so many secrets that I don’t know where to start. This essentially starts to make me question if I deserve all of these blessings that come into my life. I can’t take a compliment because my first thought and normally my first comment is either between, “I’m alright” or “I ain’t shit.” Knowing that I really believe I’m just alright or that I really am not shit.

I think of all the mistakes that I avoided making in times that I probably should have. I’m not scared of taking these risks anymore. Consequences be dammed. I owe it to myself to start making in-the-moment decisions.

How do you change that? Where do you go to make these comments and get a genuine response? Do other people feel this way about themselves? How do you overcome it?