I have no idea what I’m doing in my life. A few years ago, I set a goal to try and figure myself out. The more effort I put into that the more chaotic my life really becomes. I know they say that life is only as complicated as you make it, but dammit, what do you do when you’re stuck between caring too much and not caring at all? How do you find the middle ground of it all? Does such a thing exist? I feel like I’ve gone through a phase where I didn’t really care and that really didn’t get me anywhere. I thought it was the coolest thing! You know, to not care or not show any sort of emotion, the whole “cool guys don’t have feelings, blah, blah, blah.” I’ve also gone through phases where I probably cared too much, and well, that sucks too, but I’d much rather live with the latter. I don’t have it in me to not care for too long. I want to feel everything and let it make me or ruin me, even if it’s only for an instance. I’ve figured out that sometimes you don’t really know what you’re made of until you’ve hit rock bottom. You’re just in a shithole with no where else to go and sometimes that’s okay. Only then, do you figure out what you’re really made of and what really matters to you. At least that’s what I think has happened to me.

Over the past five years I’ve made what feels like billions of mistakes and I have to admit, I’ve probably hurt a few people along the way, but if I had the choice to do it all over again I probably would do it. (Shoutout to those I hurt that may be reading this.) Maybe I’d do a few things differently, but overall, I’d still make those same mistakes. Sure, I’ve had phases in which I was an ass, a pushover, maybe even a loser for all I know (probably not a loser though, I mean, I’m pretty cool, right?). I learned more about myself during those mistake filled times than during any other time.

You know what my dad was doing when he was around my age? He was married with a three year old (me) to my mother, whom by the way, he still gets upset at for not going to sleep with him when he’s tired, (25 years later I might add). My dad’s life was rough, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world because he made out to be an incredible father and someone to really look up to. And yet, if I was to get told that if I settled down right now I’d have the same result that he did, I’m not sure I would be content with that. He raised me to always go out to do better than him. That’s where the chaos lies. By no means am I complaining about the advice I was given, on the contrary, it’s the most impactful advice I could have ever received. I’m grateful. Crazy right? One moment, I’m this 17 year old kid that wants to settle down by the time I’m 25, and another moment, I’m this 25 year old kid that wants to move to a bigger city and settling down isn’t his first exact thought coming to mind. I mean, I figure I still have a ton of mistakes to make. Maybe not the same ones as before, but I know that if I’m going to try something new, I’m bound to learn from something. Who knows what omens I receive later on down the road. At the end of the day I know that this is the point of my life where I’ll have big choices to make, whether they’re mistakes or not, I’m willing to find out later on, but dammit I’m excited for the chaos to come. 

So yeah, life’s crazy. The universe kind of fucks with you sometimes. There’s times you have to just accept it, and there’s times where you have to fight it. It’s all a joke and you have to remember to sit back and laugh along the ride. Isn’t it ironic that if everything had gotten right in your life, you would not be the person you were right at this moment. You  would not know what good is, if it wasn’t for all the bad that happened in your life. It’s a little strange to say it out loud, but seriously, if it wasn’t for death, then we wouldn’t have to really be so grateful for all of the life around us. Sometimes, the beauty really lies in the chaos.