Love is a sensitive topic that I find the most in my selection of 90’s music. I was fortunate enough to be raised in a household where love was shown and it was also tested. It was never perfect, yet it was always worked on. It had it’s really big highs, and it had it’s extremely down lows. The lows made me want to be better, it almost became a challenge for me to learn from the people in front of me. To summarize my “love” life afterwards it’ll take just a few moments.

In elementary school I would go home and write about how I loved the girl that kicked me in the shin when we played tag.

In middle school, I spent hours talking on the phone with the girl I would be too shy to speak to in person. In the 8th grade, I experienced my first heartbreak. I watched as the girl I had the biggest crush on from band go to the 8th grade dance with a guy that was not me. Of course, I never said anything, but I mean, she should’ve known the Valentine’s Day gram she received was from me when it said, “secret admirer.” Was my handwriting not easy to recognize?

In high school, I had my first official date. I had my second official date with another girl the following week. Was I letting middle school Christian down so soon? Not quite. I dated the first girl for a significantly long time. To the point where I had the conversation with my dad about thinking twice before settling for my first girlfriend. Year two was my breaking point. I wanted to see what else was out there for me. After that I had my rebellious turnaround and dated the girl that probably was not good for me. Lesson learned, or so you’d think. 

A lot of frustration, insecurities, and tears were overcome during that lesson learned. Looking back, that may be where it all went wrong. Along comes the girl who just wants to see me happy. After a year, I was pretty happy, but I was terrified. I was terrified of settling for something comfortable. We’ll call this phase, “Christian figuring himself out.” I broke up with her. I must say, after that there was a pretty rough patch. I couldn’t keep a relationship for longer than three months. At this point, middle school Christian would’ve beat the crap out of current self. 

I had no clue what I wanted, until I did. That moment came at the exact time when I was told no. The person I liked did not like me back and I was totally okay with it. I had no sort of insecurity, I was not frustrated and there were little to no tears. I actually figured it out even if it was for a short amount of time. I actually really loved myself. It took me a long time, but I found out that what I want may not be what I need. God has always had a plan for me and by showing me closed doors I am able to recognize what’s for me will always be for me and what’s not, well, is not for me. 

I lost my mind for a while, but I’m back on track.